last post for year 2022

Today is 31/12/2022 and last day of year 2022. It has been a year filled with ups and downs. It is also a year of 'wake up call' for me. Many things happened and some really make think thrice about what have I done so far..

is it really how I want to leave my life? 

Am I wasting my life away doing something I detest? 

Why can't I just for once live for myself? Life is short and I'm halfway already.

My children are growing up fast and I sort of regret not spending enough time with them. Seriously what's the use earning money trying to make a living when I couldn't be there for them when they need me most. Sad..

So come 2023, I'm finding my way out of the rut, going to do what is important to me, going to focus on my priorities (my children, my family, my life, my health). I'm just a normal human with my flaws and limitations. I'm with limited time and resources so I do not waste in on things that does not matter..I'm sorry but this can only be the way forward. And for once, i have this strong urge to venture into education industry educating our future generation.

And I'm starting my own youtube channel to share some info and raise public awareness. My motto for tomorrow : just do it (wrong or right never mind, as long as I get started and even if wrong, I take corrective action from there)

Last but not least, thank you 2022 for a wonderful year that gave me a wake up call on what are the important things in my life and making me realised that me and only me can make the change.

Impatient monster

 I've turned into an impatient monster ... 
one with the slogan of "faster...hurry up...quick quick quick" ...

I'm not sure what happened but I'm in a rush all day long. It feels like I don't have enough time to do everything.

But the worst part of it is that I rush everyone around me too. I rush my children to eat, to bath, to finish homework, to sleep until my children ask me one day : why are we always rushing mama? 

It created anxiety and when everyone is anxious, temper flare up easily (in my case).

As much as I would like to blame technology and the current culture of instant gratification we are all trapped in, I have myself to blame. I should have control over how I response to external stimuli. Why should I let them control me? 

Easier said than done (now, imagine your boss asking you something in whatsapp and expecting you to reply instantly...haha)

Now I understand how my children feel when I keep rushing them all the time.

Starting now, I'm going to take deep breathe each time I want to say the 'f**t word. and ask myself wth am I rushing?

Inadequate

 I sometimes feel inadequate .. that feeling that I'm not good enough. The feeling that if I just didn't do enough. I do not like the feeling of always doubting myself and yet I couldn't seem to be able to get out of it. 

It's pretty tiring to always be in this condition, this mind frame. I'm stuck in a never ending cycle of worry, of self doubt and overwhelmed with responsibilities to make things better. Sigh..so tiring

How do I get out? 

the 'soon-to-be's ...

Off late I tend to appreciate present more 

present as in 'this moment' 

because for the 1st few months of 2016, I've encountered countless occasions where things just changed when I blinked.

*So much so that I dare not sleep much because that means catching 40 winks* =p

there are things that heavily concerned me (which I am feeling burdened but couldn't share)

there are things that partially concerned me 

there are things that doesn't really concern me ... ie. will be relocated to be seated right in front of office door  

(my tolerance level just got better eh)  

all of which I'm trying my best to solve and overcome those 'bumps on the road'

sometimes when I find myself start to ask 'why me?', 'why so many life tests?' 

I pulled myself back and say 'it could be worse' so don't complain and face it like a (wo)man.

One thing for sure, I need to 'love me more'

so that I can go on ...  

 

Book hoarder

I've got no choice. I think I'll have to admit I'm a book hoarder.
Someone told me I've got 5 years worth of books to read.
At the rate I'm sweeping up books at Viva Popular and Big Bad Wolf Sale(BBWS), and the rate I'm reading nowadays, I think 5 years would have been a conservative estimate.

But but but, allow me to share my side of the story ...
It's has got to do with a complex mixture of feelings 
the greed for reading .. that's one of the evergreen entertainment I get to enjoy.
the need to reward myself (after so much hardwork) .. since I don't really spend much on clothes / shoes / beauty products.
the kiasu'ness that I may not be able to get hold on that 'particular' book .. and at a fraction of it's actual price.
the hope that I've something to look forward to reading / knowing
the need to soothe the soul .. think retail therapy & that reading takes off the mind from fire-fighting situations.
the little secret of hoping to have a mini library @ home .. where my children & me get to spend time together indulging ourselves in books.
the hopeful wish that I'll have more time to read after my children grow up ... now I get to enjoy 2 page max of peaceful reading (scan through) before something crop up that requires immediate attention.

Nevertheless, despite having said all the above.
I think I took it a little too far.
I may be gone way before I get to finish the books I have.
So for the coming BBWS 2015, I take a stand to not go mellow down & limit myself.
*Hit forehead* Bad habits die hard ... sigh

ps. my goodreads.com tells me that I'm currently only reached 50% of my target of reading 12 books for 2015 (with another 1 and a half month to go).
My only consolation : better half than never. 

paid 500% less

http://www.forbes.com/sites/cameronkeng/2014/06/22/employees-that-stay-in-companies-longer-than-2-years-get-paid-50-less/

this article really stab me right here...
and I'm still bleeding profusely.
imagine for every year I'm paid 50% less, make that a 10 year multiply.

No one to blame except for myself.
add that with a 'no pay-raise no bonus' year ... I'm depressed. fullstop.

I so really don't-know-what-I-want

I'm always like this ...
I so really don't know what I want
I don't know if I want to be SAHM or FTWM
making choices is already very difficult for me
making choices that involve other lives especially those dear to me is extremely difficult.

or do I just like Quesera sera
'whatever will be, will be' ... 'the future not us to see'
BUT BUT BUT
what we do NOW will determine our FUTURE

what if down the road, the decision I made now was no good and I'm unable to reverse the effect? is it too late to regret? will I hate myself for making that decision earlier? 

the only consolation : not making a decision is not going to change anything... most probably the worst we can do. 
Again, some say you can leave the decision making to others .. yes for certain things but definately not for things affecting us and those dependent on us.

Life oh life ...