home sweet home

I love the feeling of being able to provide a good & comfortable home environment for my family. 
For this juncture, I've just a few minutes ago put up some posters (with lots of mouth watering fruits, vegetables and colours)...ready to suprise the little ones tomorrow morning =D
ps. fyi, I'm also selling these posters for RM5 each if anyone interested (while stock lasts).

从零开始, 从头开始

Tomorrow, I'll be starting again right from the beginning ..
1st thing 1st, I'll need to adjust my biological time table back to normal.
Although I didn't manage to complete all that I intended to do during the holidays..
I'm glad and thankful that I did reached a few milestones. 
So from here onwards, I'm walking towards a new kilometre.
hope everything work out just fine. 

toy project completed

the original bears which I removed from the baby mobile

Remember my project I supposed to do before going back to work? I simplified it and came out with this. 

曹格 卓文萱 - 梁山伯與茱麗葉

love the chorus lyrics

valentine's night

We made some home-made plasticine using flour, salt, oil & food colouring on valentine's night.
While I was teaching little one how to play plasticine, someone taught me how to use plasticine to convey a message =)

very cacat i know ... but since little one doesn't complain...I take it as a pass.
From left upper row : footprints, worm family, eye, mickey mouse, bag, fish, butterfly, smiley, flower

 

who say doing laundry no fun?

Err...for me at least when my trusty 3yo (and still counting) washing machine is willing to help me do the washing.
and also for the following reasons :


(1) the thrill of finish folding the piles of clothes that had been accumulating before the next pile add on. Also the thrill of searching for particular clothing item when we are rushing when not folded =p 

(2) the 'hidden happiness' that envelope the heart when you know you'll have alot of pre-loved office attire and smart casual wear waiting for you to get back in shape to wear them. Also the 'indirect happiness' that you need not spend on office attire for at least another year.

(3) knowing that those fabrics which we use to make those crafts /baby toys / gifts / daily use items are clean and chemical free.

(4) the fun of having eye feast with colourful baby clothes. Thanks to some preloved from Evelyn. if I've got the time, would have love to do some colour toning.

(5) the satisfaction when everything is folded and categorised, ready to be put to drawer for use...knowing that I've done my duty (this portion of housework). Also because folding clothes is fun...it allows me to watch TV while folding (the only multitask I'm able to master currently)

(6) Last but not least, getting free detergent like this makes laundry'ing even more fun.

scrap toy 2

After cutting out circles for baby mobile project

I have some bits & pieces of fabrics left ... again, I feel it was a waste to throw away so this is what i did.

scrap toy 2 ...

can be bangle for sunny days / beach days / holidays / fun days

can be baby toys ... things for them hold / catch / roll on the floor / play throw rings to stick / (can be used as teether if tube use is safe for babies).

can be decorative item @ home

ok, i lied. 

The tube is not scrap. The tube was brought from the aquarium shop at 50cents per metre.

Honestly, do you think babies or mothers would like to receive this as gift? 

kettle 'kong' & Tg Sepat pau

Last week, our kettle decided to give up.
Cause of death : constant overloaded & overworked.
Implication : No choice but to get a new kettle, coincidentally there are eletrical appliances sale in Tesco, so grabbed this kettle for less than 30 bucks. 
Not sure how long it can last but should be ok for night / weekend usage once I go back to work.






A nice thoughtful yummy suprise from good friends from Tanjung Sepat. Haha...came right on time when I was complaining to dear my food supply at home is low. TQVM to you all =)

男人女人

許茹芸 & 阿穆隆 - 男人女人

Find this song catchy and love it from the moment I heard it.
許茹芸 does have a very gentle 温柔voice. 

freezer's occupant

*** Warning : This is a post about breast milk. Please do not proceed if you are not interested ***








I spent a night arranging these ... as I need to optimise the space in my home freezer. 


It really wasn't easy as need to arrange according to FIFO (First In First Out) method so that the earliest expressed breastmilk can be used 1st.


As you can see, I've remove the ice compartment to accomodate. 


The door side 2 level is almost occupied also.


Ask me to pour away, I can't ... How can i throw away my blood & sweat. (The confinement lady told me that breastmilk is actually made from a mother's blood).


All I'm hoping is that my supply will continue to be sufficient even after I go back to work. 


I do not ask for more..just for me to have enough to feed my child for as long as I can. 


For I think it's one of the best gift I can give. 

the FERRERO ROCHER project

the Ferrero Rocher (empty box) that is


transparent box for small ah bi
ah bi is fascinated and having fun tracking the colourful items movement inside. 
To keep things fresh, I rotate the things inside. Rather should i say can throw anything colourful inside. Baby don't know how to differentiate what is what yet..
tray for big ah bi
Good for refining their fine motor skill - picking up tiny things and sorting them.
Items can be rotated to avoid boredom. In the picture, I used wolfberries(geiji), soya bean and 'bak guo'. Home no more red bean, green bean and black bean.

BKK

I suddenly have the urge to book a ticket & leave for Bangkok 


but for now... I had to be content reminiscing looking at Bangkok trip with best buddies photo 4 years back...
this is life
we don't always get what we want

scrap toy

What do you do with some scrap thread overrun from fabrics?
I feel it was too wasteful & colourful to throw away. 
So I just kept them until the day before yesterday...

Finally I found usage for the scrap thread. 
While I was trying to encourage ah bi motor skill of using a peg, I've a sudden 'eureka' moment... I rushed to dig out my scrap thread collection and told him it's where the birds stay. 
Ah bi seemed to be fascinated with the idea. Learnt a new word : nest. Learnt a few new concepts like how mama papa bird go out look for food, so gor gor bird have to take care of mei mei bird & etc... He even interacted more telling me the "all bird go home o..o.. (sleep) with colourful nest" (pardon the use of with...he can't differentiate when to use in and when to use with).
Actually I even lied to ah bi that those peg birds were present from mei mei(sister) and the nest were made by mei mei. 
The next magical thing that happen, he actually keep his toy (a.k.a all the peg birds and their nest into a tiny bag I gave him and bring them to bed. 
I'm glad how those scrap threads and birds is precious to him. 
I'm glad he thinks the s'crap' toy I thought of is cool =p 


Up next, the Ferrero Rocher project =D

my monthly investment : the crazy & desperate version

Yup, the RM1.20 / month investment I've been working on for the past few months.
Why still using this method? 
Cause it will still yield same result (hopefully).
The calculation : 
Each sms cost RM1, so if I want to 'invest' in 9 'stocks' for that particular month, I need to fork out RM9.
whereas this method, I need RM0.60 stamp x 2 envelopes (different magazine) = RM1.20.
Yes, I have to resort to petty petty things like this to help me survive the ever increasing costs...haha. 


Well, if you ask me, I'll continue doing this until one day the company gives me a call and say "Pleassse STOP sending in. You're NOT going to win ANYTHING so don't waste your postage fee" ... 
well, at least they are going to tell me. If I'm sending sms, all I receive is an automated message thanking me for participating. The sms won't say ""Pleassse STOP sms in. You're NOT going to win ANYTHING so don't increase your hanphone bill"  

now what?

Now what? 
Time for review Jan and set for Feb lor...

So to start of with Jan's 
1. Gather up enough money to repay debt + prepare angpows + buy CNY gifts for close relatives.  (死都要死出来啊!  没办法!)  Done
2. Meet up with family & friends ... re-establish my social life after so many days within 4 walls.  Done & doing
3. Eat good & healthy food to meet to ensure pass QC for 'susu cap ibu'.  Done & doing
4. Spring clean for CNY & reorganise wardrobe for whole family. Spring clean failed. Reorganised wardrobe mine done, children's in progress.
5. Finish clearing my over-the-years magazine piles Done
6. Bring kid for vaccination & monthly check as scheduled. Done
7. Start kid on cloth diaper for day time.  Doing
8. Sleep like a normal person do (err...I mean the hours) Failed with slight improvement
9. Curb my addiction for online shopping/shopping with the excuse of CNY. So far so good. 
10. Exercise .. really exercise. No, housework and chasing kids around not considered. very failed
11. Get ready & pack all the stuffs which I want to donate to the charity lorry before they come. at last I managed to although not all


For Feb
1. bring kid for vaccination & check up
2. Finish cleaning children's cupboard
3. Complete projects : (a) baby cubes (b) baby mobile (c) baby comfort pillow in sufficient sets

calendarsdesign.blogspot.com

4. finish at least 1 book
5. Learn at least 29 chinese characters
6. Adapt to 'back to work' routine ... establish nursing schedule, getting ready baby stuff for babysitter...
7. settle banking & household errands before start work.
8. review portfolio and make new plans 
9. introduce new things to kids 
10. Adjust sleep pattern & EXERCISE

baby cube toy : attempt 3

This round added some ribbon for 
1. baby touch sensory
2. for easy to hang on stroller / cot / play pen
3. next time add little bell inside - include hearing sensory as well

SARA sara u...bagus?

Skim Amanah Rakyat (SARA) 1Malaysia (which offer 32.16% return p.a.) is being opened to public today 30/1/12. The subscription will extend for a year or upon full subscription (most likely finish within hours)

32.16% p.a. mind you! and so far I can't seem to see any catch!

According to the PNB president & group CE

• Investment limited to RM5000 / household
• Investor will receive RM134 dividend every month for 5 years

Here's how you can participate

• Invest with own money
• Invest with bank's money/loan (this is the interesting part) : dividend received RM134 - monthly repayment to bank RM84 = profit RM50 per month. But the beauty is, remember you didn't fork out a single cent and you didn't had any opportunity cost of putting your own RM5k inside.    So, we get RM50 per month out of nothing?

Perhaps these are the catches (the eligibility) :

1.	Malaysians aged between 18 and 58 years;
2.	Applicants must have a combined gross household monthly income of between RM500 – RM3,000;
3.	Applicants must not be declared bankrupt throughout the loan funding period;
4.	Applicants and / or spouse(s) must not be a beneficiary of other Government special schemes managed by Amanah Saham Nasional Berhad (ASNB) i.e."Program Pembangunan Rakyat Termiskin (PPRT)", "ASB Sejahtera" and "ASW2020-Bandar";
5.	Applicants and / or spouse (s) do not have any investments in ASNB unit trusts, OR, if there is, applicants and /or spouse(s) (household) have a combined aggregate investment totaling RM10,000 or less in all ASNB products;
6.	Only one household is eligible to obtain the loan funding; and
7.	Approval on applications is also subject to other terms set by the financial institutions. **** DEFINITION OF HOUSEHOLD****Eligible household refers to individuals with gross household monthly income of between RM500 and RM3,000 including the following categories: Married - a combination of gross income of the husband and wife; and Single mothers or fathers - individual gross income. Taken from SARA 1Malaysia official website How to start? Prepare main & supporting documents required These 4 banks offer loan  Maybank, CIMB, RHB and Bank Simpanan Nasional Something you may want to know though The distribution of funds is opened to all Malaysians based on the allocation of Amanah Saham 1Malaysia (AS 1Malaysia)I, i.e. Bumiputera – 50%; Chinese – 30%; Indian – 15%; Others – 5%. Personally I think if we are eligible, why not invest?  The stake at risk is RM5k and it's not even our own money (if taking loan). Come to think of it, nothing to lose except maybe a little time, effort and minimal cost. ** ps. btw, we know of the 'OBVIOUS' but I'm just sharing from purely point of financial view. I don't care about the motives/the games/whatever

其实你不懂我的心

其实你不懂我的心 ... favourite song from childhood. 
I always listen to it to fall asleep during afternoon nap @ babysitter home. 
Last time, to put me to sleep, all my babysitter had to do is just to play some songs and I'll automatically pull & unroll the tilam & doze off... =D


This is another version by a vision impaired contestant in one's of singapore talent show.
The original singer is 童安格

new year new ant-venture

Even the tiny weeny ant decided to bully me now =p

Past midnight, as I was putting milk into the freezer, 

I suddenly felt something invaded my ear.

It felt itchy at first, I couldn't be bother thinking it's ear wax (hoho... cause few days didn't gorek telinga ma)

Then I started to hear noises, feel very uncomfortable as though a butterfly / bug is fluttering its wings and circling in my ear.

I shouted for help .. haha, yes I panic easily. 

Of course, the only available immediate help was ah dear lo.

I told him I think got insects go inside my ear ah (jumping around and pointing to my left ear)

He laughed ... can you believe it? (and he even choose the most canggih flashlight ^^!)

He shone inside my ear and said 'No ah, nothing inside also'

I said 'Got la, doing gymnastic inside'

He shone again and said 'Nothing wo. Itchy because of ear-shit is it?'

Then I feel pain inside my ear ... as thought being bitten...then nothing

I thought since dear cannot see anything, it could be just my ear-shit.

When I walked to the sofa to sit down, 

I feel something seem to be lost inside my ear tunnel, got panic and couldn't find way out. Then it became frustrated with the long grass(hair) and bumpy road (ear-shit) that it started to bite.

I rushed toward my sometimes 'knight in shining armour' and grab his hand.

"Really got la, some more know how to bite one, faster see again" I demanded.

'DON'T HAVE. NOTHING' ... he then got the ear-digger.

I insisted there's something inside and I'm feeling very uncomfortable.

He wanted to dig my ear but I was afraid that this might push the insect further in.

He suggested I put water into my ear to force that fella out. I also scare. Scare that fella tenggelam and cause infection.


******* DO YOU KNOW HOW TO REMOVE INSECT FROM OUR EAR? *******

Suddenly I remembered last time, in primary school, they got teach to shine light into the ear because insects will move towards light.

I ask dear to search internet how to remove insect from ear ... suprisingly we still have time  to google =p

I felt something crawling out slowly and asked dear to see ...

It was dear 'ANT' ... no wonder ah dear cannot see anything la.

haha...now I understand why they say even elephant also scare of rat.

REMINDER TO MYSELF : 

It's time for me to learn & brush up on first aid. 

But first of all, I think I really need to learn to be CALM.

a cny reunion?

Very early this morning, I had a dream. 
Both my parents (father & mother) were walking towards the lift lobby.
I was following them.
My mother was swirling and hymming happily while walking towards the lift lobby.
I was observing my mother from behind her.
She was wearing a matching pastel flowery blouse and knee length skirt. She was wearing a pair of 2 shades of grey flats. 
I remember seeing her legs as she swirl and swirl.
I remember hearing her voice as she hymm and hymm.


I called her (Mi), she turned back and smiled at me. 
It was one of her happiest smile. I could see her eyes smiling too.
I walked towards her and hugged her tightly.
I told her 只要你开心, 我看到就会很开心.
She whisper to me 你是不是有事想要告诉我?
I shoke my head and smile back at her.
But tears swelling in my eyes. 
My mother look into my eyes one more time before turning around towards the lift lobby.
I was left there alone.
I felt a certain kind of sadness which I cannot explain.
It's the kind of feeling when you are sad and tired and wish there's someone who can share your pain but you rather keep everything to yourself 
because you want the other person to be happy
because you didn't want the other person to worry about you.


I woke up crying, my pillow wet.
My little one let out a wail. 
I picked her up thinking she wanted milk but she didn't and fall back asleep.
After putting her down the cot, I went back to bed.
I took my phone and started jotting down this dream.
I remembered saving it but strangely I couldn't find the particular entry. 
It just vanished just like my dream.
I couldn't sleep anymore after that.
All I could remember was I cried and cried silently in the stillness of the dawn until my eyes were blur and swollen.


I wonder whether can I consider this a reunion since I get to meet my mother as well during this cny.
I wonder whether my daughter saw her grandma when she let out a wail but fall back asleep shortly.
I wonder what's this dream trying to tell me. 
I wonder whether my mother is happy now (as happy as she seem in my dream).
I wonder whether she knows how much I miss her.


but I'm truly thankful that I got to see her and hug her even if it's only in my dream.

龙年快乐

Wishing you all & family a happy, healthy & prosperous dragon year =) 




** Do not proceed if you do not want your CNY mood dampen **
This new year I found myself a little lacking ...
house still halfway cleaned
my CNY itineries still revolve around nursing
CNY preparation is almost nil ..except for some mandatory practices
feel like many things still unresolved
overall, I'm feeling as though I'm still in rabbit year

new toys

It's good that I find time to spring clean ... cause I found alot of 'archived' treasures from my girly days. 
Found a few rows of ribbons, clean them up and create this with an old wooden hanger. The ribbons' colours are a little faded though and mostly pastel. It will be more vibrant should I have more bold colours (which attracts baby better). 

Remember this gulung gulung thing which was once popular. I found it and couldn't resist something as colourful. Showed a few trick to the little ones but it wasn't enough. Ended up thought of a way to let her 'feel' the colours. 


Judging from her reaction, I think my little one loves them. She grabbed, she pulled and she squealed =D while showing her teethless gum =D

红 packet

I used to be at the other end of the bargain ... 28 years to be exact ^^!
Now that I've assumed new role 3 years back, comes with it are some great perks =p 
One that really worth mentioning is
the chance to 包红包 
Not that I've not 包 before in the 28 years. I've done it for many many times.
But to 包红包 (with own money that is) a totally different ball game.


Just like 孙子 Art of War 战争兵法, 
We also have Art of 包(红包)法
After 3 years of trying very hard to master, (yes, I do understand I still have a long way to go)
these are my major & not so major findings : 


(a) budgeting
Yes, the word budget is overrated. Even going from one end of the bargain to another end of the bargain requires a big budget..but let's leave that topic for another day.
Yes, although 红包 is the focus, we all know what is the actual 'focus of the focus'. I call it 重点的重点. The timing is also crucial for consideration. If you are like half of the working population who receive bonus year end, it may help to lighten your burden as chinese new spring celebration usually falls on Jan/Feb - just nice after year end bonus. However, if you are not in that group, you'll need to foresee this inevitable expenses and start preparing for it. 
If in any case you wish to escape by travelling away during this celebration duration, you'll also need to 'budget' in your travel expenses.
And also, budgeting involves you deciding your allocations - in order words, how much to give who. You may need to balance & rebalance and have backup emergency plans. 
Banks are not open for you during CNY and ATM machines are usually out of money especially over long weekends / holidays. Moreover ATM machines doesn't spit small notes.


(b) sourcing 
This stage to many people may seem 'remeh temeh' but I choose not to underestimate the power of sourcing (for your resources). The resources here refer but not limited to
1. money (the total amount) - covered in chapter (a) budgeting
2. money (the amount in different denomination a.k.a change to RM1/5/10/50/100 notes) - this may requires you tapping into your intersocial skills. It will be best if you know someone who can help you to change or join into groups (tumpang). There are things you may need to consider if you decide to do it lone rangerly such as logistic and safety besides time & effort.
3. ang pow packets - yes, you can buy but why buy when everyone else is getting it free? This requires some intersocial, communication, thick-skinned skills. I'm not sure about others but I realised I have a need for not only 1 design angpow, I need a few designs at least and in sufficient quantity. This I'll elaborate further in chapter (d) 包'ing
4. sourcing for the sources - need I explain further? 


(c) getting 
After you've sourced for whatever that you require, automatically the next stage will be 'getting' or 'receiving' what were sourced. Let's take for example, if you've changed money, you need to think of ways getting those money safely home. Same goes for angpow. You may need to consider whether is there any need for additional resources. If yes, this is the time to gather sufficiently.


(d) 包'ing
Now I'm at this stage as I'm writing this. 
This stage consist of repetitive work that requires full attention. Need to ensure exact piece(s) of note(s) inserted correctly before sealing. 
Here comes the trick, usually I'll need to have at least 4-8 different designs angpow and in sufficient quantity. This is due to the fact that when all the angpow are sealed, I determine the amount of money inside by looking at the design. Also, the different design is to differentiate different categories of recipients ie.parents/siblings/close relatives/friends/colleagues/someone's friends/someone's relatives and even stranger like those very hardworking alam flora sanitor.
Sometimes I find it hard to remember which design is for which and ended up had to open the angpow to check the content, which isn't something nice to do eh...
Among other challenges here is to ensure angpows are sealed properly to contain the money...else paiseh people receive empty angpow.
We also have to ensure the total no. of angpow tally with no, of pieces of notes for that denomination


(e) logistic'ing 
Again this is another often overlooked concern. It's not so bad when you're at home, you know where you put which design angpow. The challenges for me comes when we go visiting many places at one go. Either we need to prepare different bags for different types, all put all into 1 bag but with rubberband segregation, or bring bags with different compartments. Again, if you're with young children like me, please do take into consideration that all your kids angpow will eventually end up with you...so be prepared and ensure no mixup. 
Another pointer to think of, if like me not going back to my parents' hometown, we need to pre-arrange and coordinate to tumpang relatives to bring balik kampung. Plus, you need to give clear indication on how to distribute the angpows to avoid confusion / embarassment such as not enough...moreover so when you have different allocations like bigger angpow for grandparents, standard angpow for kiddies, another set angpow  for pai nian.
So I hope you see that logistic is just not as simple as transporting the angpow from A to B.


(f) giving
This is the fun part but also the confusing part (for me). Maybe it has got to do with my ever deteriorating memory. I have no problem with giving but when there are so many kids and teenagers (and sometimes adults with children who didn't come), I have a very BIG problem. I CANNOT remember who I gave or had not ^^! Mind you, kids nowadays doesn't remind you that you've given them earlier. To them, the more the better so they won't mind you giving them bonus. 
Oh...and sometimes when someone with children but children not with them and they give your children angpow, I really have a hard time remembering how many children that person has. I can ask but sometimes it's not that nice ... people will think I know how many children you have and how come you not know mine?
What more when these people and families come & go at different intervals. Some families comes separately ie. parents comes 1st, kids come later, you gave the parents and kids give you 'give me angpow' look and you're downright confused.
Sometimes you do get some special guest, by special I mean, they are not really budgeted for. It's ok if you have a few which your backup stash can last, but if there are aplenty, you'll need to 'borrow flower offer buddha'. I admit, I recycle money ...haha..


(g) receiving
Yes, this is affecting me (indirectly though, or maybe directly). As mentioned earlier, if got young children, all their angpows will eventually end up with parents. 
The thing is when these angpows reaches me, I don't know where they come from (unless some people write giver name on angpow, they seriously do). 
This will have a cause and effect ... in term of 有来有去 (a very dominant chinese tradition which I call mild kiasu'nism)
At times, when small children play together, they may tend to leave angpow laying around and some smarter ones will tend to end up with more angpows... hehez.
Again, this also influence the choice of angpow designs (point (d) ... usually people will choose angpow design that can be closely associated with them or special limited edition to differentiate angpow from them (in other words, outclass the rest!)


(h) profit & lose'ing
After the whole 15 days, it's time to do some profit & lose'ing. I'm not sure whether others do but realistically & materialistically, I do. I need to know where we stand. 
I need to do financial decision for my children ... either to have their money stash in their kiddies account or to have their parents loan their money for cashflow while recovering from festive bankruptcy...lol, bad mother am i not? 
Of course, remember I did some money recycling? We need to take that into consideration as well. 
As our children grow, this process does serve another purpose..a more noble one..haha.
Educating the young ones the importance of 'delayed gratification' and the 'wonder of compounding interest'. 
Well, till then I will still call this process profit & lose'ing. 
When time comes, this process will be addressed as financial planning.


(i) guarding
This I must say is an ongoing crucial process that needs to be applied throughout (a) to (h).
As the chinese spring comes every year, we have to be prepared for the next cycle and the cycles thereafter.
Worth mentioning are events within your circles such as yearly reduction (people getting married) and addition (new family members)
Last but not least, anything that i forgot to cover on 'Art of 包' in the previous paragraphs should be considered here.


It's true that when they say 'Chinese people are sophisticated people'.


I wonder whether there'll be e-angpow in near future? 
Cause I'll very much need it. It will help me in managing my activity (a) to (i) 
and it'll do the environment some good deeds (the packets, the plastics, the CO2 released in the entire process production & logistic, the waste created, etc...)

mobile for baby

Pic from : http://sewshesews.wordpress.com

My upcoming project =D
Brilliant idea from http://sewshesews.wordpress.com
Thank you for sharing

our efforts count

Our individual efforts to protect mother nature, protect the earth are important.

We will realise that just by making a little changes in our everyday lives, we can make a difference.

Throughout this 'stay at home' duration, I've become greener (no, not in term of jealousy =p)

Conscious effort were made :

I keep take bath water to flush toilet. It's good for watering plants too.

Only wash clothes when washing machine full load.

practice 3R : Reduce, Reuse, Recycle 

I've tried to reduce garbage by using cloth diaper during day time. 

I've reuse & recycle children, adult & maternity clothes. 

I've pack my over-the-years collection of magazines ready to be donated / given away. 

(If you know of any clinics / maternity care centre / anyone which my (womens' and parenting) magazines could be useful, please let me know. I guess it's more environmentally efficient to share the info in the magazine rather than recycling the paper) 

I've started segregating my rubbish - recyclable & non-recyclable. There's this one old lady at my area that collects recyclable..hope this can benefit her, then she don't have to search for recyclable items among the thrash.

Later, when I regain a little more freedom, I would like to take part in eco-friendly activities ... like throwing mud balls to clean up sea / river / lake, plant trees effort / recycling activities etc...So if you come across any..please do share with me ya =D

courage to dream - lost not found

Last time, I used to have dreams which I thought were realistic.
However as my each birthday come & go ... I grew bigger, my dreams grew smaller.
Now these dreams are so small that I didn't even find it meaningful. 
My dreams which I once hold on so preciously have been shattered if not shrunken.
Perhaps someday, someday I hope I find back the 'fire' in me to pursue. 


Last time, I didn't mind taking on extra work outside work, I didn't mind toiling hard, I grabbed hard on every opportunity that allow me to catch a glimpse of my dreams. 
But my those dreams had died. 
And gone with them are 'my courage to dream' ... pathetic isn't it? 
Instead of having dreams & pursuing them, I shrunk my dreams to cheat myself. 
I hate myself.


Last time I've always wanted to bring my parents for holidays ... I didn't managed to (not even now) 
Last time I make myself promise I'll let my parents have a good life when they get old ... I didn't managed to (not even now)
Last time I've always wanted to give both my family and my future family a good life ... I'm honestly still STRUGGLING and the I still couldn't even see a speck of light at the end of the tunnel.


Now as I try to dream, try to find back my courage to dream, the only dream that comes to me is only those nightmare I've while asleep. 
Where do I find 'courage'? 
Where can I find 'courage'?
Where are you 'courage'? 
I NEED YOU TO COME BACK!