I think I cried my eyes out. Cried till eyes swollen & pain. Cried till have headache and my vision blurred. Cried till there are no more tears.
Call me crybaby or whatever you want but during then, I have no control over whether to cry or not to cry.
24/2/05
While waiting at taxi stand for a friend, I received a call from my babysitter’s daughter - Chai Kim. She asked “Where are you?”
“I’m outside office, waiting for friend” I said.
(I thought they wanted to drop by my house for a visit)
She broke down “Ah ma had left us”
“Hah?” was all I could utter before I cried there & then in public.
She told me a few things which I doubt I could comprehend during then. Ah ma left us earlier but they didn’t call me at work.
The Malay lady who was beside me at the taxi stand asked “kenapa dik?”
all I managed was 'geleng kepala'
I was blurred but managed to call my friend to inform I’m not going for meeting.
I tried washing my face at the washroom but the next moment, tears come rolling again.
On my way back, there were many flashbacks in my mind. I could remember everything from my childhood … from what had I done and what Ah ma had told me …word for word with her way of speaking.
Monday, February 28, 2005
A blow too great (2)
Ah ma is the person who took care of me since 2 months old till about 10 years old (standard 4). She’s very dear to me, just like my parents. She was the one who brought me up no matter how naughty I am. She left at age 63. “Ah ma” that’s how I call her … because to me, she’s my mother too.
I’m very sad because there are a lot of things I could have done for her but I didn’t.
I’m very sad because there are things that I wanted to tell her but I didn’t.
Now that I wanted to do these for her, she didn’t wait for me.
Now all these are my regrets.
And I regret that I didn’t tell her “I love you” and that I care and ‘sayang’ her a lot.
If only I …….
I remember that when I visit her just before Chinese New Year, I promised her to visit her more often. She looked fine & happy during then and told me she had cataracts removed from both eyes some time ago.
She told me “if you come visit me more often, I’ll have lesser illness”
She asked me whether I’m seeing someone because she wanted to attend the wedding dinner.
She asked me how’s my parents and told me to take good care of them
She asked me how’s my work because she wanted me to have a good life.
Being in her arms take away all my fear.
Honestly, I’m very fortunate to have so many people caring for me. Not only Ah ma but her whole family. Her children are like my brothers and sisters.
I’m very sad because there are a lot of things I could have done for her but I didn’t.
I’m very sad because there are things that I wanted to tell her but I didn’t.
Now that I wanted to do these for her, she didn’t wait for me.
Now all these are my regrets.
And I regret that I didn’t tell her “I love you” and that I care and ‘sayang’ her a lot.
If only I …….
I remember that when I visit her just before Chinese New Year, I promised her to visit her more often. She looked fine & happy during then and told me she had cataracts removed from both eyes some time ago.
She told me “if you come visit me more often, I’ll have lesser illness”
She asked me whether I’m seeing someone because she wanted to attend the wedding dinner.
She asked me how’s my parents and told me to take good care of them
She asked me how’s my work because she wanted me to have a good life.
Being in her arms take away all my fear.
Honestly, I’m very fortunate to have so many people caring for me. Not only Ah ma but her whole family. Her children are like my brothers and sisters.
A blow too great (3)
Fond memories
These memories never fail to remind me how naughty I’m (even till now)
I used to stay at her place from Monday till Friday, only returning to my parents’ home on Saturday night and Sunday. I spent a lot of time with her during childhood. I guess that’s why I’m so close to her and her family.
‘Noi’ (literally translated as daughter in Cantonese) that’s how she used to call me.
‘Ah bi’ that’s how her children call me
‘ham bao bi’ that’s how her son call me when I cry after being bullied
There weren’t a day I’ll not be naughty & bring her some new challenges.
I had ran away from home before when I was around 5-6 yrs olds ( to the playground that is) and she was worried as she couldn’t locate me.
I had removed all the clothes from the cupboard because I think she’s being unfair
I had fights with my neighbor’s sons at their house and put her in a difficult position
I had drawings and paintings on her house wall
I always play with the chicks she rear, putting those chicks at high places and in water.
I had always done what she told me not to do.
When I accidentally locked myself in toilet and don’t know how to open, she taught me not to cry but to follow her instruction to solve problem.
When I went to Pasar Pudu with her and boarded the public bus without her, she actually chased the bus to get me back.
When I fainted at the Yulek open air morning market last time, she carried me all the way back to home leaving behind all purchases & basket.
When I always come back from school or kindergarten with cuts & bruises, she’ll warn me that she’ll not care for me if I come back with anymore.
Besides caring for us, she also took up a job of wrapping cake in the evening at the shop opposite our house at Jln Kaskas 4. I’ll always follow her or ran across the street myself to look for her. My job last time there was to put stickers & price tags (and also curi makan). As I become better, she allowed me to wrap smaller cakes. No matter how bad was my wrapping, she’ll say it’s OK and help me to re-wrap.
Occasionally, we’ll have assignment like packing chewing gums … eg. Putting chewing gum & stickers into a small packet & seal. I always love when we have those assignments as we’ll have lots of stickers leftover. (they came in big boxes like those for TV)
They are not from well to do family but she’ll always give the best. We used to have porridge for lunch & rice for dinner but still even her simple dishes will taste great. If I sleep in the afternoon, she’ll put my favourite songs, when I sleep with her at night, she’ll tell me many things.
Once a teacher in kindergarten gave up teaching me how to tie ribbon and even said ‘you're so dumb and you still don’t know even I taught you so many times’. But Ah ma didn’t gave me up. She bought a pair of shoe (those where have to tie shoelace) and taught me how to tie ribbon.
Did I also mentioned I had difficulty differentiating left and right shoe.
In kindergarten, she walked me there (going uphill & downhill)
In primary school, she waited with me early morning for school bus.
Too many fond memories that we cherished
These memories never fail to remind me how naughty I’m (even till now)
I used to stay at her place from Monday till Friday, only returning to my parents’ home on Saturday night and Sunday. I spent a lot of time with her during childhood. I guess that’s why I’m so close to her and her family.
‘Noi’ (literally translated as daughter in Cantonese) that’s how she used to call me.
‘Ah bi’ that’s how her children call me
‘ham bao bi’ that’s how her son call me when I cry after being bullied
There weren’t a day I’ll not be naughty & bring her some new challenges.
I had ran away from home before when I was around 5-6 yrs olds ( to the playground that is) and she was worried as she couldn’t locate me.
I had removed all the clothes from the cupboard because I think she’s being unfair
I had fights with my neighbor’s sons at their house and put her in a difficult position
I had drawings and paintings on her house wall
I always play with the chicks she rear, putting those chicks at high places and in water.
I had always done what she told me not to do.
When I accidentally locked myself in toilet and don’t know how to open, she taught me not to cry but to follow her instruction to solve problem.
When I went to Pasar Pudu with her and boarded the public bus without her, she actually chased the bus to get me back.
When I fainted at the Yulek open air morning market last time, she carried me all the way back to home leaving behind all purchases & basket.
When I always come back from school or kindergarten with cuts & bruises, she’ll warn me that she’ll not care for me if I come back with anymore.
Besides caring for us, she also took up a job of wrapping cake in the evening at the shop opposite our house at Jln Kaskas 4. I’ll always follow her or ran across the street myself to look for her. My job last time there was to put stickers & price tags (and also curi makan). As I become better, she allowed me to wrap smaller cakes. No matter how bad was my wrapping, she’ll say it’s OK and help me to re-wrap.
Occasionally, we’ll have assignment like packing chewing gums … eg. Putting chewing gum & stickers into a small packet & seal. I always love when we have those assignments as we’ll have lots of stickers leftover. (they came in big boxes like those for TV)
They are not from well to do family but she’ll always give the best. We used to have porridge for lunch & rice for dinner but still even her simple dishes will taste great. If I sleep in the afternoon, she’ll put my favourite songs, when I sleep with her at night, she’ll tell me many things.
Once a teacher in kindergarten gave up teaching me how to tie ribbon and even said ‘you're so dumb and you still don’t know even I taught you so many times’. But Ah ma didn’t gave me up. She bought a pair of shoe (those where have to tie shoelace) and taught me how to tie ribbon.
Did I also mentioned I had difficulty differentiating left and right shoe.
In kindergarten, she walked me there (going uphill & downhill)
In primary school, she waited with me early morning for school bus.
Too many fond memories that we cherished
A blow too great (4)
She told her daughter that she wanted to visit us after Chinese New Year but …
“Wui gong fan jiu” - people always say that people who are leaving will do things they had never done. Something like a reflection.
The evening before Ah ma did mentioned to her daughter that she wanted to eat ‘Fat tiuh cheung’ a type of dish as she said had never tasted it her entire life. Her daughter made the dish and she was very happy.
Also, she seldom watch TV but the evening before, she joined her family to watch TV.
Ah ma, I love you very very much
I know you’ll be watching us from afar
Telling us not to worry about you
For you, Ah ma, I’ll life my life the best possible
Because you never gave up on me
And because you love me so much
Ah ma, may you rest in peace
“Wui gong fan jiu” - people always say that people who are leaving will do things they had never done. Something like a reflection.
The evening before Ah ma did mentioned to her daughter that she wanted to eat ‘Fat tiuh cheung’ a type of dish as she said had never tasted it her entire life. Her daughter made the dish and she was very happy.
Also, she seldom watch TV but the evening before, she joined her family to watch TV.
Ah ma, I love you very very much
I know you’ll be watching us from afar
Telling us not to worry about you
For you, Ah ma, I’ll life my life the best possible
Because you never gave up on me
And because you love me so much
Ah ma, may you rest in peace
trying to tell me something?
That particular morning of 24/2/05, I was awaken by a dream.
I was climbing a staircase which has no rails. It was very windy. I have no idea where the staircase lead to (seem like no end, just go upward) but I saw a group of people in front of me.
They are climbing and leaving me further and further behind. Everyone seemed to be walking fine while I struggle to climb higher. No one offer to help me.
Me losing my ‘pillar of strength?’ or ‘me being left behind?’
Is the dream trying to tell me something?
I was climbing a staircase which has no rails. It was very windy. I have no idea where the staircase lead to (seem like no end, just go upward) but I saw a group of people in front of me.
They are climbing and leaving me further and further behind. Everyone seemed to be walking fine while I struggle to climb higher. No one offer to help me.
Me losing my ‘pillar of strength?’ or ‘me being left behind?’
Is the dream trying to tell me something?
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
is this how you sleep?
cuddled up
received this forwarded email, would like to share
( i know i know some of you might have seen these dozen times before, but please just bear with me ya =)
"where there's a will, there's a way"
5/2/04 - the Saturday before CNY
A group of us 11 people went for karaoke session after work as farewell gathering for one of our collegues, Andrea who has resigned.
After lunch at Esquire, we went straight to Redbox Sg.Wang and sang non-stop from 3pm to 9pm. Out of the 11 people, only 4 were actually chinese educated, the rest are 'banana' including me la that is =P
However, to my suprise, language is no barrier at all when it comes to karaoke singing. Suddenly everyone can speak & read Chinese characters.
It took me some time to find out that some of them were actually looking at a black folder when they are singing (not the screen)
haha .... they are actually reading the translated lyrics which was printed from some website... no wonder they can sing the lyrics so well lah ...
looks like that will be a new trend soon =P
Overall it was fun, in fact no one wanted to leave ( me included loh) till we were not allowed to select songs anymore and asked to pay bill.
haha ... I didn't know singing karaoke can be this fun woh =D
A group of us 11 people went for karaoke session after work as farewell gathering for one of our collegues, Andrea who has resigned.
After lunch at Esquire, we went straight to Redbox Sg.Wang and sang non-stop from 3pm to 9pm. Out of the 11 people, only 4 were actually chinese educated, the rest are 'banana' including me la that is =P
However, to my suprise, language is no barrier at all when it comes to karaoke singing. Suddenly everyone can speak & read Chinese characters.
It took me some time to find out that some of them were actually looking at a black folder when they are singing (not the screen)
haha .... they are actually reading the translated lyrics which was printed from some website... no wonder they can sing the lyrics so well lah ...
looks like that will be a new trend soon =P
Overall it was fun, in fact no one wanted to leave ( me included loh) till we were not allowed to select songs anymore and asked to pay bill.
haha ... I didn't know singing karaoke can be this fun woh =D
Constantine & Coincidence
12/2/05
Watched Constantine with a friend at leisure mall.
like the movie and the ever charming Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz (Angela) & Tilda Swinton (Gabriel)
Watching the movie was great, meeting long time lost friends coincidentally was greater.
met Jessica, Kathleen & Joe sitting 2 rows in front.
At first, I thought I saw someone familiar (they came in in a big group about 10 of them when the movie was about to start) but I didn't manage to call them.
It was after the movie end that we met at the staircase.
Alas didn't managed to chat much as my friend was in hurry but managed to exchange numbers. maybe we can go for another movie =)
Jesicca looked about the same, Kathleen had a new stylist hairstyle. They are still as close as they are last time =)
Watched Constantine with a friend at leisure mall.
like the movie and the ever charming Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz (Angela) & Tilda Swinton (Gabriel)
Watching the movie was great, meeting long time lost friends coincidentally was greater.
met Jessica, Kathleen & Joe sitting 2 rows in front.
At first, I thought I saw someone familiar (they came in in a big group about 10 of them when the movie was about to start) but I didn't manage to call them.
It was after the movie end that we met at the staircase.
Alas didn't managed to chat much as my friend was in hurry but managed to exchange numbers. maybe we can go for another movie =)
Jesicca looked about the same, Kathleen had a new stylist hairstyle. They are still as close as they are last time =)
blur case
Never before had I experienced such blurness in classroom.
I was basically blur throughout the entire session ... felt everything was at very slow paced yet I can't catch up.
I realised my mathematics go down the drain liao ... too much holiday no good.
I find I was very slow & keep pressing the wrong thing on the financial calculator.
some more the lecturer very 'fan' today kept on asking 'can?' ' no problem?'
I guess it's either I'm hungry or I'm sleepy =P
I was basically blur throughout the entire session ... felt everything was at very slow paced yet I can't catch up.
I realised my mathematics go down the drain liao ... too much holiday no good.
I find I was very slow & keep pressing the wrong thing on the financial calculator.
some more the lecturer very 'fan' today kept on asking 'can?' ' no problem?'
I guess it's either I'm hungry or I'm sleepy =P
salary paying ATM
The Star 4/2/05
Hong Kong : many kindergarten pupils believe their parents are being paid salaries by ATM. Survey released showed 30% of 4 to 6 years old kid believed so.
as cute as they are, at least they know what is ATM machine & that it gives out money woh
ask me when I was that age, I don't think I know what is ATM.
I probably think money fall from the sky wan for all people =P
or the most I know is that money was what we asked from adults when we wanted to buy tidbits & ice creams =P
Hong Kong : many kindergarten pupils believe their parents are being paid salaries by ATM. Survey released showed 30% of 4 to 6 years old kid believed so.
as cute as they are, at least they know what is ATM machine & that it gives out money woh
ask me when I was that age, I don't think I know what is ATM.
I probably think money fall from the sky wan for all people =P
or the most I know is that money was what we asked from adults when we wanted to buy tidbits & ice creams =P
Thursday, February 03, 2005
promoted !!
I got promoted !!
hehe .. from 'ahmad' (driver) to chaffeur.
Punctuality, patience & being responsible are some of the essential traits as we are' ferrying' precious children.
Dunno how me became 'chaffeur'. All I know is that now have to wake up 5.30 or latest 5.45, together with my sis, fetched others then send them.
Once I almost missed a turn, slammed on the brake & cornered (ok lah, early morning not many car) . Suddenly all passengers became quiet. I think I frightened them gua.
When I came home in the evening, my sister told me " ah jie, you know today my friend said your driving very 'sai lei' ... terrific "
Now it makes me wonder what these kids will tell their parents when their parents ask. Hope they didn't go into the details. Actually sometimes pressure also leh.
However, hearing their exchanges in the car never failed to remind me of 'schooling days'
Never mind waking early but what I like most about this new job is every morning when they get up the car & call 'jie jie' and when their parents smile or wave. Also when they say "thank you, jie jie" when they get down.
It's such a great way to begin my day with =)
hehe .. from 'ahmad' (driver) to chaffeur.
Punctuality, patience & being responsible are some of the essential traits as we are' ferrying' precious children.
Dunno how me became 'chaffeur'. All I know is that now have to wake up 5.30 or latest 5.45, together with my sis, fetched others then send them.
Once I almost missed a turn, slammed on the brake & cornered (ok lah, early morning not many car) . Suddenly all passengers became quiet. I think I frightened them gua.
When I came home in the evening, my sister told me " ah jie, you know today my friend said your driving very 'sai lei' ... terrific "
Now it makes me wonder what these kids will tell their parents when their parents ask. Hope they didn't go into the details. Actually sometimes pressure also leh.
However, hearing their exchanges in the car never failed to remind me of 'schooling days'
Never mind waking early but what I like most about this new job is every morning when they get up the car & call 'jie jie' and when their parents smile or wave. Also when they say "thank you, jie jie" when they get down.
It's such a great way to begin my day with =)
rude?
Q : what do you do when you accidentally open other people's letters or statements
(read 2 not 1)
a) confess & own up
b) throw away
c) say " It was already in this condition when it reached us"
d) others, please suggest .......
My uncle stays in flat thus prefer to have his correspondences mailed to our address.
However "harapkan pagar, pagar makan padi"
I know this is no good but I actually threw away the 2 mails and hoping that he'll call up credit card bank for statement ( I couldn't believe I did that) and now I feel guilty.
Why don't I use option a) ?
because this is not the first time we accidentally open his letters... my mum, my dad, and now me... like parent like daughter loh =P
what bout option c) ?
also cannot cause the envelopes beyond rescue liao ... into pieces. moreover, I didn't realised I opened his mails till I sense the content a bit 'different'
I want to say 'sorry'
for opening the mails
more for throwing them away
more for not confessing the truth
hope can forgive me
for opening the
(read 2 not 1)
a) confess & own up
b) throw away
c) say " It was already in this condition when it reached us"
d) others, please suggest .......
My uncle stays in flat thus prefer to have his correspondences mailed to our address.
However "harapkan pagar, pagar makan padi"
I know this is no good but I actually threw away the 2 mails and hoping that he'll call up credit card bank for statement ( I couldn't believe I did that) and now I feel guilty.
Why don't I use option a) ?
because this is not the first time we accidentally open his letters... my mum, my dad, and now me... like parent like daughter loh =P
what bout option c) ?
also cannot cause the envelopes beyond rescue liao ... into pieces. moreover, I didn't realised I opened his mails till I sense the content a bit 'different'
I want to say 'sorry'
for opening the mails
more for throwing them away
more for not confessing the truth
hope can forgive me
for opening the
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Reporting from kitchen ..
2/1/05 - FT public holiday
spent the longest hours in kitchen in a day. starting from morning about 7a.m to about 5p.m.
during which half an hour detour before start to buy breakfast from pasar, another 15 minutes to 'ta pao' lunch.
result : 'bee hive' first round was a marginal total flop. Had the shape, had the colour but near tasteless ... not enough sugar loh though I thought I added a lot alot
(why me go 'jimat' sugar ah? sugar price got no increase also)
Although I would like to blame it on early morning taste bud not 'awake' but still the outcome was "F for failed" =P
got "F" grade also because for every 10 that I made, 1 or 2 went into my mouth =P
PS : so, pang you can help me finish the 1st batch lah =P
about 10am, decided to make another 'simple' tidbits.
started slicing crab sticks & frying them. Lucky this one ok ... at least there's something for people to eat when they come my house. At least I know I can make 'something'
unwilling to give up so easily, I decided to make 2nd round 'bee hive' learning from past mistakes. haha ... at least better loh, consumable lah =P
this was what my parents had to say
" still not enough standard, your friend's (referring to foong ling's) tastier. but 1st time make consider good lah " --- now that's brutal truth =P
initially wanted to give some friends wan, but now have to think twice or thrice liao =D
still sifu's the best ... that's why call sifu ma =)
someone then wanted to eat agar-agar, so again stay in kitchen make agar agar, till 4pm only eat lunch. by 5pm, me drop dead tired liao .. even sitting on the sofa can fall asleep. was supposed to clear my room ... postponed to midnight. find it fun clearing room after midnight, took me about 2 hour & half -- can imagine how messy is my room? =P
spent the longest hours in kitchen in a day. starting from morning about 7a.m to about 5p.m.
during which half an hour detour before start to buy breakfast from pasar, another 15 minutes to 'ta pao' lunch.
result : 'bee hive' first round was a marginal total flop. Had the shape, had the colour but near tasteless ... not enough sugar loh though I thought I added a lot alot
(why me go 'jimat' sugar ah? sugar price got no increase also)
Although I would like to blame it on early morning taste bud not 'awake' but still the outcome was "F for failed" =P
got "F" grade also because for every 10 that I made, 1 or 2 went into my mouth =P
PS : so, pang you can help me finish the 1st batch lah =P
about 10am, decided to make another 'simple' tidbits.
started slicing crab sticks & frying them. Lucky this one ok ... at least there's something for people to eat when they come my house. At least I know I can make 'something'
unwilling to give up so easily, I decided to make 2nd round 'bee hive' learning from past mistakes. haha ... at least better loh, consumable lah =P
this was what my parents had to say
" still not enough standard, your friend's (referring to foong ling's) tastier. but 1st time make consider good lah " --- now that's brutal truth =P
initially wanted to give some friends wan, but now have to think twice or thrice liao =D
still sifu's the best ... that's why call sifu ma =)
someone then wanted to eat agar-agar, so again stay in kitchen make agar agar, till 4pm only eat lunch. by 5pm, me drop dead tired liao .. even sitting on the sofa can fall asleep. was supposed to clear my room ... postponed to midnight. find it fun clearing room after midnight, took me about 2 hour & half -- can imagine how messy is my room? =P
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