courage to dream - lost not found

Last time, I used to have dreams which I thought were realistic.
However as my each birthday come & go ... I grew bigger, my dreams grew smaller.
Now these dreams are so small that I didn't even find it meaningful. 
My dreams which I once hold on so preciously have been shattered if not shrunken.
Perhaps someday, someday I hope I find back the 'fire' in me to pursue. 


Last time, I didn't mind taking on extra work outside work, I didn't mind toiling hard, I grabbed hard on every opportunity that allow me to catch a glimpse of my dreams. 
But my those dreams had died. 
And gone with them are 'my courage to dream' ... pathetic isn't it? 
Instead of having dreams & pursuing them, I shrunk my dreams to cheat myself. 
I hate myself.


Last time I've always wanted to bring my parents for holidays ... I didn't managed to (not even now) 
Last time I make myself promise I'll let my parents have a good life when they get old ... I didn't managed to (not even now)
Last time I've always wanted to give both my family and my future family a good life ... I'm honestly still STRUGGLING and the I still couldn't even see a speck of light at the end of the tunnel.


Now as I try to dream, try to find back my courage to dream, the only dream that comes to me is only those nightmare I've while asleep. 
Where do I find 'courage'? 
Where can I find 'courage'?
Where are you 'courage'? 
I NEED YOU TO COME BACK!